Sitting on a cornflake

]]]]So I grew up a pretty happy child: parents are together, grandparents are still here, you are the only child you get all you want, you get all the fucking expensive ponies from my little pony tales just becayse you happened to like them during your birthday month. And yeah I had a birthday month not a birth day, a whole fucking month dedicated to my own awesomeness/fatness/whatever else grown ups like in kids.
My mom. She was always spoiling me. Always even when she wasn't there even when my mom didn't exist in my life from the age 12 to the age 15 she would always collect me the biggest birthday bag you know with presents with candy and all. Always was a heart breaker, the bag of presents was always a fucking heart breaker, it's like it would always make me feel sorry for her but at the same time be like what the fuck she is my MOM.

The granddad. He was weird he would always build stuff for me. He built sauna and swings and a house and he would always fix stuff and help me with homework, he was never old but this one day he just had this headache and three days after that he was gone. There he was awesome and strong and able to do things. And here, gone. Not here anymore, not on skype, not anywhere, He is gone. And I was never able to actually get along with the fact that people leave. That they expire. And that I will have to deal with it some day. Almost everyone I know lost someone some day. I never did. I'm 23, i've never been to a funeral.

I just have to say it I can't handle it.



My mom. Always young, so loving and yes aaaabsolutely fucking insane but I love her so much. If not mom, I would not be here in this world, I would never be in лицей, I would never move to Canada, and if you were my mom you would know how much she did for me. And besides that, she is my MOM. I miss her so much. I need my mom so much. Always, every day, every single moment I wish my mom was here.
So my mom is sick, she has cancer, she has had it forever now but only recently it's been taking her away from me. And I am going home in a two so days because of the reasons I will never be old enough to say out loud. Because I'm a child who needs her mom, no matter how old I am, because I need my mom right now, right this fucking moment in this fucking room I want to scream so loud I want my mom to come here and make things OKAY, but she can't even tell me wether it's gonna be okay or not. I want to fall down at her feet an tell her how much I love her and need her and cry for hours and hours and ask her to forgive me and ask her to come back to me and turn back time.

I've never, never been so fucking lost in this fucking universe. I have nowhere to go, I am nobody, I am hopeless, sometimes I wish I knew how to pray.

why is it +25 in toronto????? hello, it's mid march!!

Marta, I know you are debating whether you should commit or not, whether you should go on, whether you want it to be serious.. Drunk Marta is telling you: stop listening to what people keep telling you, please, don't let her go. You need her, you want her, you know she is worth a lot, you know you match, and if you fuck it up, it's because you chose to fuck it up. Choices. Choices. Because it's time to choose.

Joe said he thinks I'm only entertaining myself, he said I should find someone new in Halifax. He got me thinking, maybe I want to try with someone else, maybe I shouldn't have thrown myself into all this. Because now it seems like we are not officially together, but can't fool around either. I need to slow down.

She invited me on a date to her hometown, I said no last minute and she left without me, upset. Later I went to my roommate's grandparents for jiggs dinner, had a half hour conversation about cats and on the way back I decided to drive to hew town whatever it takes, took me five minutes to get ready: toothbrush, underwear, pj's, go. I just felt so bad and missed her so much, and since we are not officially (?) together, I was afraid she could of hooked up with someone else. her friend picked me up and took me to her house, she seemed distant and it was kinda awkward, until we all (her and her 2 friends, who are by the way awesome, kenzie would not stop saying "I'm so happy you came out!" ) got in a car and drove to places. then a bar, people, wasted Laura, hangover morning, walk of shame, driving to places again. She took my hand in the car, I felt calm and taken care of. She wanted me to stay for another day, but I felt like going home, so she offered to go together. All the way home she was holding my hand and then we spent the evening together watching jersey shore and she passed out and we woke up at night and got in a fight over something stupid, were sleeping on the opposite sides, I felt horrible but didn't know what to do, she came closer and held me and said: "I get frustrated sometimes, I'm only human, but I'm not going nowhere and you are the only one I'm interested in". I like that she can talk about things, and she is so much more mature than I am and I want to trust her and everything but I am so painfully insecure that I can't help worrying, worrying that she will do something that will hurt me. She doesn't know how hard it is for me to trust, I will work on my issues, because she's worth it, because I care.. I guess. Oh my.

Also, I want to go to Magdalen Islands en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magdalen_Islands

Last night marlee/robyn obsessive behaviour was influenced by dope consumed by me and my dearest friend Yann from Quebec. But what I said is actually true.

so I just gave shit to my roommate about gross smell in our apartment and then I remembered I have a fuckin four day old supper under my bed.. that awkward moment!

Every now and then I ask my friends big questions, such as if you could live anywhere in the world where would you want to live. And so far I've never met anyone from the province who wants to go further St.John's. I asked my friend Jonathan today, he is from a village with 200 people population, and he looked at me like I was an alien and said: "Here, of course!"
I like it, they make me think a lot, local people. They made me re-think all my life actually. When you live on a beautiful land and see open ocean every day, mountains and huge trees, whales and icebergs, and when you are friends with everyone, why would anyone want more than that? Enjoying simple things in life, taking it easy, being happy, why, seriously, anyone would want anything more than that. I like it how there is no rush here, how everything is in harmony, mainlanders think that newfoundlanders are slow and naive, but honestly, newfoundlanders are kind and humble people, to the extreme. And when they say:"I was away for a month, and when I came back I wanted to lie down and kiss the ground" it truly amazes me, because that's what this place makes you feel like, because it's home! And then I said:"I want to go to Australia for like a year or so" he looked at me with a smile that made me not want to ever go anywhere from here.

Don't get me wrong, I do love my homeland and my family, but.. I don't even know anymore. It's just that, everything is good here. You don't need to go out of your way to be happy, it's when you can concentrate on being yourself and being a better person. And homeland doesn't make me want to be a better person, it makes me want to be an asshole, I guess I have issues, but it's not anyone's fault really.

That awkward moment when a bum slap from someone you secretly like gets you sexually excited.

So I was on the go with this girl, and she told me that this other girl is after her, but they barely talk, and then suddently everything ended between us, I was sad for a day and then decided to start liking this other girl who turned out to be that girl that was after that other girl I was on the go with before!! And then we all like the whole college decided to get drunk, like completely trashed on Friday night, so I woke up the next day in that girl's bed on campus (!!) and I have no goddamn idea what I was doing the night before!! Also, I learned how to drive a car. Yay.