]]]]So I grew up a pretty happy child: parents are together, grandparents are still here, you are the only child you get all you want, you get all the fucking expensive ponies from my little pony tales just becayse you happened to like them during your birthday month. And yeah I had a birthday month not a birth day, a whole fucking month dedicated to my own awesomeness/fatness/whatever else grown ups like in kids.
My mom. She was always spoiling me. Always even when she wasn't there even when my mom didn't exist in my life from the age 12 to the age 15 she would always collect me the biggest birthday bag you know with presents with candy and all. Always was a heart breaker, the bag of presents was always a fucking heart breaker, it's like it would always make me feel sorry for her but at the same time be like what the fuck she is my MOM.

The granddad. He was weird he would always build stuff for me. He built sauna and swings and a house and he would always fix stuff and help me with homework, he was never old but this one day he just had this headache and three days after that he was gone. There he was awesome and strong and able to do things. And here, gone. Not here anymore, not on skype, not anywhere, He is gone. And I was never able to actually get along with the fact that people leave. That they expire. And that I will have to deal with it some day. Almost everyone I know lost someone some day. I never did. I'm 23, i've never been to a funeral.

I just have to say it I can't handle it.



My mom. Always young, so loving and yes aaaabsolutely fucking insane but I love her so much. If not mom, I would not be here in this world, I would never be in лицей, I would never move to Canada, and if you were my mom you would know how much she did for me. And besides that, she is my MOM. I miss her so much. I need my mom so much. Always, every day, every single moment I wish my mom was here.
So my mom is sick, she has cancer, she has had it forever now but only recently it's been taking her away from me. And I am going home in a two so days because of the reasons I will never be old enough to say out loud. Because I'm a child who needs her mom, no matter how old I am, because I need my mom right now, right this fucking moment in this fucking room I want to scream so loud I want my mom to come here and make things OKAY, but she can't even tell me wether it's gonna be okay or not. I want to fall down at her feet an tell her how much I love her and need her and cry for hours and hours and ask her to forgive me and ask her to come back to me and turn back time.

I've never, never been so fucking lost in this fucking universe. I have nowhere to go, I am nobody, I am hopeless, sometimes I wish I knew how to pray.